I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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