we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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