Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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