did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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