I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fuck appropriateness.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
