The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize