I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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