Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
