I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
