You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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