The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
