oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
