I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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