Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
