I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
