i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize