Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
