Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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