I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
