I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
