I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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