my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
