I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
