Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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