After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
