I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
