i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
