I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
