"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
