Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
