The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
