remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
