She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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