I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
