You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
