Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
