Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
