when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
