I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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