i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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