am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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