why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
