happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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