Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
