and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
