Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
