i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
