So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
