I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
