sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
