You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
