I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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