I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
