Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
