I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
