the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
