dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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