your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
